Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
