It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
