he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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