that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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