I am in a vortex of obligation.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
