New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
