I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
