If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
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She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
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My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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