She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
