your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
