If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
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We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
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I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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