I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
