The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
