I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
