my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
