Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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