8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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