he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
