According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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