ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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