I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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