Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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