I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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