Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
