I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
