my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
