your thong is hanging out like whoa
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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