Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
