I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
