totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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