so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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