so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
