Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
