What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
