He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
