I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
