I'm sorry my penis didn't work
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Randomize
