do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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