the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
vagina is talking i cant
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
