I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
