He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
where are my eyebrows?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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