How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
