The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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