seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
