Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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