get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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