I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
She said her name was "party"
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
