My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
