Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
