guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
