Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
