Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
