He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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