so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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