you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Girls should come with a carfax report
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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