the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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